Dear Zachary:
A year ago, I sat down to write you a letter on the night before you were born. I told you how much I loved you already, and how excited I was to meet you the next morning. I promised to always do the best I could for you, and to always love you.
Baby boy, those feelings have intensified a thousand-fold. You are, quite simply, the most amazing thing that has ever come into my life. At 9:27, November 3, 2010, they held you up so I could see you. You were red faced and crying, and you had your toes splayed so it looked like you only had 3 discrete toes on each foot. Your Daddy asked “Is he healthy?” I asked “How many TOES does he have?” and your doctor said “WOW, That’s a BIG head!”. It was an inauspicious entry into a world that you were about to turn upside down.
Even in the early days, when you threw up every time we laid you down, and odds were 50/50 that you were going to projectile vomit after eating when you were held more upright, I loved you with all my heart. The intensity of that love surprised me. I have always been a person with a great capacity to love and an instinct to take care of the people who are important to me, but loving before you is a shadow of what loving you is like. It’s like I was the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes that day, and has continued to expand since. During the long nights where it was just me and you, sitting up in a rocking chair with me patting you and making up stupid songs to keep you entertained, I still marveled at the miracle that is you; Your hairy ears, your thick sturdy feet, your long fingers, and the eyelashes that a super-model would kill for, I drank it all in and fell more and more in love.
I remember one night where you were really struggling with gas pains, before you were diagnosed with Gastric Reflux, I made up a song which rhymed the world “Turtle” with “Spurdle”. I stopped singing, said “what the FUCK is a ‘Spurdle’?!?” and laughed so hard I cried, which woke both you and your daddy. While hysterical laughter was exactly what I needed at that moment of tired, I’m not sure either you or your daddy was amused.
You are my constant companion, my sidekick, the mirror that reflects a better me, and the person that is never far from the front of my mind. We put hundreds of miles on the car together at the start, because there were only two places you would sleep – one was in your car seat, the other was on my chest. I found a recording on my phone of you nursing, with these little piggy grunts and sighs. I also found recordings of your heartbeat before you were born, and a recording of you screaming like a banshee. It made me even more thankful for the big boy you’ve become. Mr. Happy with a smile for everyone, you have never met a stranger. You bring so much joy, little man. Strangers stop to talk to you in the grocery store, people come up to us on the street to comment on how beautiful and happy you are.
Watching you grow and learn has been awe inspiring. You learn new things every day and there are days when I’m not exactly sure HOW you’re learning what you know. We had a real break through a few weeks ago. I was trying to feed you vegetable beef stew for dinner. You were very polite, shaking your head and signing for milk three separate times before you got frustrated with me. You grabbed the bowl of food, flung it at my head, leaned forward and made very solid eye contact with me. Then you put your hand in front of my face and signed for milk. I couldn’t help but laugh, you’d asked politely and I ignored you, so you made sure I understood you. Needless to say, you got your milk with an apology that I’d missed what you were saying. When I handed you the milk and you signed “thank you”, I was floored.
While I won’t paint the past year as all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, I can honestly say that there has not been a day where I have not laughed out loud and by surprise at something you have done. The best part of my day is when I get to your daycare to pick you up. You crawl at lightning speed to meet me, giggling and smiling. You raise your face and hands and say “Uhhhhhhp!” and when I pick you up, you snuggle your head against me, and pat me on the shoulder. I feel like you are returning the pats and love I’ve lavished on you this past year. Your warm, solid body in my arms fills the hole inside me that I have carried for so long, and I am complete in that moment - Zackie and his Mama, exactly who I was made to be.
Your name, Zachary, means “God Remembers”. You have been a lifelong dream and prayer for me, your being here is a miracle, and it has renewed my faith in a God who heard the true desires of my heart and answered that prayer. God remembered how much I loved you before you were born, and in turn, you have exceeded every hope and dream. Life with you is better than I imagined it would be, and I feel like I am a better person because of my desire to be a better Mama to you.
I can’t wait for the next year with you, Zachary. Thank you for your sweet smiles, your infectious giggle, and your joy. Thank you for being you.
I love you –
Mama
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